You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
