I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sorry my hands just texted you
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
