I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
