i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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