the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
