Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
