we have pet lesbian snakes
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
birth control should be required to get into college
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
