Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
