Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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