I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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