i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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