my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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