Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
