i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
