i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
