Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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