I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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