Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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