you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Randomize
