We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
