it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
