She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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