I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
