If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
