I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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