We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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