The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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