Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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