I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
