you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
