Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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