she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
