Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
