I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
