New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
