Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
