you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
