So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
