And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
