he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
