So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
