can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
