Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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