just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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