By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
