well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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