just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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