sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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