Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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