Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
