dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
