around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
